Society For The Advancement of Dave

It's my birthday - I am now officially old

2009-06-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

Since I am aging and becoming Totally Old, I would like a throbbing forehead vein like Clint Eastwood and various telekinetic manga characters. A throbbing forehead vein - is that too much to ask?

Give to me: Miniatur Wonderland

2009-06-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

If I had a rec room, I would want either a swanky home bar with Christmas lights and old school beer signs or a massive model railroad set.

And if I had a 10,00,000 square foot rec room? I would want something like Miniatur Wonderland (pronounced "mini-ah-toor vunderland") in Hamburg, Germany, the largest model railway in the fricking world.

If I couldn't have my own Miniatur Wonderland - because I'm not building that thing - I would settle for Minotaur Wonderland, a magical realm of daydreams and lollypops and prancing minotaurs, or a massive retractable roof in my huge rec room so Harrier jets and my rocketpack commandos could land.

I've said it many times: one must have goals in life.

Miniatur Wonderland: give to me!

A Tale of Two Cities

2009-06-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

June 15, 2009 - Los Angeles after the Lakers' NBA Championship win.

June 15, 2009 - Tehran after sham elections and murderous crackdown on protesters.

The Best and Lamest Futuristic Police Vehicles

2009-06-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

Being a cop in the future would be bad-ass.

You get to wear riot gear, fly around on jet packs, and whack civilians with sick sticks or stun guns. Future cops also get the coolest rides - at least in science fiction movies. Here are the most kick ass and suck ass futuristic police vehicles ever, according to Me.*

Police Spinner - Blade Runner

Designed by the legendary Syd Mead, the police spinner is a ground/air patrol car loaded with 300 lbs of red and blue beacon lights. Judging from the picture above, the spinner is powered by steam vents and suspension wires.

Who drives it: Edward James Olmos, puta.

Why it is cool: Look at it. It's fucking cool, Syd Mead designed it. The spinner was created using practical effects and a full scale prop, which automatically makes it cooler than any digitally created futuristic police vehicle.

Why it sucks: The spinner has scissor doors that open vertically (see above) which just lets in all that futuristic acid rain.

The Pursuit Special - Mad Max and Road Warrior

This tricked out, all black 1974 Ford Falcon XB coupe gets jacked by Max in Mad Max for his mission of vengeance, and he just keeps the thing during the subsequent biker apocalypse in the Road Warrior. With a 351 V8 engine, a gnarly blower, and double spoilers, it is pretty much one giant surrogate penis. Often incorrectly identified as a "V8 Interceptor" due to a line of dialogue spoken by a mechanic in Road Warrior, it is actually identified as a Pursuit Special in Mad Max, so that's what I'm calling it and oh God I have no life.

Who drives it: Max

Why it is cool: I just explained why it's cool. The Pursuit Special is the automotive wet dream of an entire generation of Aussie gearheads.

Why it sucks: N/A

MFP Interceptor - Mad Max

Some time in the not to distant future the Australian federal highway police force known as the Main Force Patrol will cruise the badlands in bright yellow 1974 Ford Falcons. It will happen, mark my words. In 1979's Mad Max, our hero Max Rockatansky drive the bad ass V8 Interceptor - at least until he graduates to the Pursuit Special.

Who drives it: Officer Max Rockatansky. His name is on the side of his Interceptor, as well as his nickname: "The Dark One."

Why it is cool: For starters, the color scheme is awesome. Lettering on the back of each patrol car reads either PURSUIT or, in Max's case, INTERCEPTOR. Plus, the car appears in Mad Max, the mother of all dystopian futuristic highway patrol revenge flicks.

Why it sucks: This is what I'm telling you, it doesn't suck. It's not quite as cool as the Pursuit Special, though, is it?

Hill Valley Police Squad Car - Back to the Future II

In the year 2015, female police officers will patrol the town of Hill Valley in hover-equipped squad cars and futuristic motorcycles. The cops in Back to the Future II don't seem to be terribly effective, but they have sweet rides.

Who drives it: Unit N11-11 (below)

Why it is cool: The sloping, aerodynamic pod shape of the Hill Valley PD squad cars are the main selling point. They look like melted jelly beans.

Why it sucks: They don't do anything particularly spectacular, and the special effect sequence (pictured) of the hovering squad car looks dated. I'm nitpicking.

Lawmaster motorcycle - Judge Dredd

The Lawmaster is the vehicle of choice for MegaCity One's fascist Judges, who enforce strict bans on things like sugar and coffee. Normal motorcycles aren't cool enough for Judges - they prefer cruising around in these tricked out, unwieldy Lawmaster monstrosities. Why? Because they look bad ass.

Who drives it: Judges

Why it is cool: Look at that thing, it's ridiculous. The design is so over the top that you have to love it. It's like a jumbo action figure accessory.

Why it sucks: I think it needs much fatter tires in order to look truly cool.

San Angeles Police Patrol Car - Demolition Man

The pathetically ineffectual pacifistic cops of the futuristic megalopolis of San Angeles roll around in cool carbon-fiber police cars looking for kittens to rescue or trash to pick up. That's how they roll in the Sylvester Stallone film Demolition Man, which features GM Ultralite low emission concept cars. Maybe GM should have been making these things instead of Hummers, n'est-ce pas?

Who drives it: Sandra Bullock

Why it is cool: As Stallone demonstrates, if you crash one of these babies, the inside is instantly filled with expanding crash foam that absorbs the impact. That's a nice feature, unless you have issues with being entombed in asphyxiating foam.

Why it sucks: See "who drives it."

NYPD Cruiser - The Fifth Element

The production design in Luc Besson's could-have-been-awesome The Fifth Element is clearly the flim's greatest redeeming feature - that and Gary Oldman's crazy haircut. One of the great things about Fifth Element is the use of models and practical special effects for their hover cars - as a result, they look more solid and real than CG effects.

Who drives it: Cops in ridiculously bulky outfits.

Why it is cool: I like the retro-futuristic vibe these vehicles have. If Dick Tracy was a 23rd century cop he would totally drive one of these babies. They come equipped with neat communications gear, a handy sliding side door and a winch/pulley system for mid-air prisoner transfer.

Why it sucks: They look a little bloated, like pregnant Spinners, but I think that was the effect the filmmakers were going for.

Iowa State Patrol hovercycle - Star Trek

A couple things you need to know about Future Iowa: a) it's a desert wasteland, b) it has deep canyons/quarries, and c) it's patrolled by motorcycle cops.

Who drives it: Scary cyborg looking cops on hoverbikes who like the Beastie Boys.

Why it is cool: While the scene in question may be more than a little goofy, the hoverbike design is cool as hell.

Why it sucks: Come on, a 23rd Century rocket bike can't catch a kid in an antique car? Laaame.

PreCrime Hovership - Minority Report

This one kind of blurs the line between police car, helicopter, and hair dryer. Regardless, the hover units in Minority Report do qualify as futuristic police vehicles, so I'll throw them in. It doesn't mean I have to like it.

Who drives it: Dept. of PreCrime officers. You thought I was going to make a Scientology joke, didn't you? Too easy.

Why it is cool: I don't know, they're kind of neat looking I guess. They do look a little familiar...

Why it sucks: Let's just say Boba Fett is suing for copyright infringement.

Idiot Cop Car - Idiocracy

I'll be honest, I haven't actually seen Idiocracy but I'm including this futuristic police vehicle because I'm in love with the logo.

Who drives it: Idiots.

Why it is cool: Look at that logo! That is straight pimpin'.

Why it sucks: Does it suck? The blinged out logo alone redeems the vehicle.

Riot Control Garbage Truck - Soylent Green

In the future, you'll be so goddamn hungry you won't even ASK where your food comes from.

Who drives it: 14th Precinct Riot Control cops / food industry workers.

Why it is cool: It scoops up hippies, dumps them in the back, and then makes food out of them. That's hot.

Why it sucks: There are starving kids in China! Stop criticizing the Riot Control Garbage Trucks and eat your soylent green, youngster!

Sandman Ground Car - Logan's Run TV series

Sure, the 1976 film Logan's Run was awesome, but do you remember the spin-off TV series? They ran with the original concept but surgically removed everything about the original movie that made it unique and cost money. Instead of taking place in a bizarre future city with expensive sets, the Logan's Run TV show took place almost entirely in a park in Southern California. Cool car, though.

Who drives it: The ground car was driven by Sandmen, fascist cops who ensure population control by making sure that everyone who reaches the age of 30 takes a once-in-a-lifetime spin on the lethal Carousel.

Why it is cool: The Ground Car has a charming antiquated futuristic design and lots of stickers! The gull wing doors scream THIS CAR IS TOTALLY FROM THE FUTURE.

Why it sucks: It's called a "Ground Car," which seems redundant. I bet the Sandmen also have Water Boats and Sky Airplanes.

Detroit Police Patrol Cars - Robocop

Rumour has it that Robocop was supposed to drive his own custom police car in the 1987 film Robocop, but director Paul Verhoeven thought the Robocar looked stupid. As a result, our cyborg hero and the Detroit Police drive black 1985 Ford Taurus in the film. Man, the Robocar must have been pretty shitty if this was a better choice.

Who drives it: The police of the future!

Why it is cool: Umm... I'm drawing a blank here.

Why it sucks: It's a Ford Taurus. 'Nuff said.

Grammaton Cleric Pimpmobile - Equilibrium

I'm a big fan of Kurt Wimmer's Equilibrium, flaws and all. It's got sword fights, gun kata, and a brooding ultra-serious Christian Bale (as opposed to campy, flamboyant Christian Bale). Set in the city-state of Libria where emotions are illegal, Equilibrium focuses on the anti-emo cops know as Grammaton Clerics who roll around in white Cadillacs - the car of the future!

Who drives it: Christian Bale, Taye Diggs, Sean Bean.

Why it is cool: It's all white? And therefore looks futuristic?

Why it sucks: Man, it's like they're not even trying, isn't it? Look at those guys (above). They're embarrassed to be seen riding in the thing. Clearly the producers just didn't have the money to create their own custom cars, so they worked with what they had - and what they had were white Caddies, which are one step up from the pink Cadillacs that Mary Kay cosmetic salespeople drive. Sad.

*I didn't include Will Smith's Space Audi from I, Robot because although he is a police detective, he's driving a civilian car, not a marked police car. Same goes for the cool Lexus concept car Tom Cruise drives in Minority Report - not a cop car. Mick Jagger's armored personnel carrier in Freejack doesn't make the list because it's more of a paramilitary vehicle and it is driven by Mick Jagger.

Hell Yeah

2009-05-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

Remember when Sam Raimi used to make horror movies? Apparently so does Sam Raimi.

Drag Me To Hell is a return to Raimi's schlock horror roots, and that can only be a good thing. Yes, it's a PG-13 horror flick and as a result it sometimes feels like Raimi is holding back on the really sick shit (which we'll get on the unrated DVD version), but I didn't feel like I was watching a watered down Evil Dead movie. Drag Me works despite its relative lack of gratuitous gore and an anemic performance by the lead actress. And do you know why? Because it's a balls-out Sam Raimi horror movie! It's creepy and gross and hilarious and most of all it's just a lot of fun.

Need convincing? In this film a toothless corpse gums our screaming heroine's chin while drooling embalming fluid all over her. A stapler is used as a melee weapon. Somebody pukes up an entire kitty. A scarf goes bad. And when a goat shows up in the third act, you just know things are going to go terribly, hilariously wrong.

Go check it out. You can't complain about Spider-Man 3 if you don't show up when Raimi actually makes awesome movies.

Give To Me: Anti-Forest Fire Robot

2009-05-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

I often look at footage of the wildfires that sweep through the western states and think, "If only we had giant fire fighting robots."

I'm not alone, evidently, because designer Jordan Guelde has created plans for a monstrous bright orange arboreal automaton that fights wild fires. The robot is designed to eliminate the fuel that wild fires need to grow - in other words, it chops down trees.

Sure, you and I can chop down trees with a chainsaw or axe, but we require things like oxygen and lack of fire to do so. The Forest Fire Clear Cut Robot laughs at our human weakness. It can chop down trees faster and do it more safely than a human crew - theoretically at least. Right now it's just a bunch of pretty computer graphics.

But when they start building these things? I want one! Give to me.

Stardust will swallow your soul

2009-05-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

He's a ten foot super giant with ginger hair and a neck as thick as a Sequoia. He's Stardust, one of the proto-superheroes that appear in Supermen!: The First Wave of Comic Book Heroes 1939-1941 by Greg Sadowski, and he is creepy as hell.

Supermen! features an assortment of obscure early superhero comics produced in 1939-41. The comics are glorious, primitive works of pulp science fiction, crude ancestors of the modern superhero. Yet there's something vital and imaginative about these unsophisticated comics which clumsily explore superhero stories and ideas long before they calcified into cliche.

And holy shit, some of those early superheroes were bizarre and terrifying. Stardust is certainly unnerving, but nothing matches the sheer weirdness of Fantomah, the face-melting heroine. Like many "heroes" of her time, Fantomah had seemingly unlimited supernatural powers that she used to protect her jungle domain, but what set her apart was her tendency for her face to transform into a hideous grinning skull.

Bleach blonde skull face woman! She is a nightmare.

Stardust, on the other hand, embodies an entirely different type of weirdness. He's a red haired space giant who lives in a space castle and saves Earth from giant vultures - from space. Stardust's super powers are all over the map, ranging from flight to the ability to transform enemies into worms to a deep, penetrating, inappropriate stare.

He also has a HUGE, baby swallowing neck. If Stardust ever perished in the Sahara, scavengers would fight over Stardust's thick, juicy neck. You could feed a pack of hyenas with that neck meat. He should change his name to Neckro. Or Golden Throat. Or Dr. Bigneck.

Anyway, you can really get an idea of how freakishly huge Stardust's neck is when the hero saves a helpless and unnamed girl from the space vultures:

Nameless Girl, look out! Stardust wants to swallow you!

I honestly can't tell if Stardust is meant to be that frickin' huge, or if the artist just had no concept of proportion and perspective whatsoever. Regardless, the end result is strangely compelling.

After wiping out the space vultures, Stardust returns to the girl (who begins every phrase with the word "oh") and , looming uncomfortably close and staring at her, he invites her back to his space castle. "Oh, Stardust! I'd be crazy about it!"

I'm guessing that Stardust routinely "rescues" women like Oh Girl, takes them back to his star, feeds them fattening foods for a few months, and then eats them. That's just how superheroes rolled back in the late Thirties.

Laser Obama!

2009-05-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Sure, Barack Obama is the first African American president, but did you know that he is also the first laser powered president? No shit, Obama is powered by a combination of moxie, hope, and 100% pure laser energy.

I am totally not making this up. I have proof: poorly Photoshopped stock photographs of the President! Behold Laser Obama.

Where did the Enterprise crew get all those wonderful lights?

2009-05-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

Now YOU can transform your apartment or living room into a futuristic starship bridge in three easy steps.

1. Paint everything Bright White latex paint with a satin finish for easy cleaning.
2. Swap out all accessories, furniture, and fixtures with brushed stainless steel replacements.
3. Purchase the following lights:

650 Dioder multi-purpose lights (with extra lens flare filters)
24 Asker countertop lights
12 Gruda bookcase/picture lights
24 Kramare spotlights
1 Spoka night light (for science officer's station)

Caution: You may have to wear sunglasses at all times.

Merry Christmas from Bootsy Collins, motherf&%$ers

2009-04-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

What the hell are my dogs barking at?

2009-04-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

We have two yippy little Schipperkes at our house, fuzzy black Belgian dogs with pointy ears and a real commitment to defending their turf. Loki and Trixie are territorial barkers - if a life form strays too close within the Schipperke Zone of Protection they start loudly barking. This can be deeply annoying, particularly since if one of the dogs starts barking, the other dog will join in, even if it has no idea what the first dog is barking about. They're quite daft.

And yet sometimes, when I let them out in the backyard late at night to do their dog thing, I wonder... what the hell are my dogs barking at?

We live in a quiet neighborhood out in the sticks. At night it is very still and peaceful (except for my dogs going apeshit in the backyard). You wouldn't think there would be all that much for a dog to bark at, and yet bark they do.

But at what?

If I'm being honest, they bark at cats, raccoons, other barking dogs, and the occasional coyote. Nothing sinister.

And yet sometimes I feel a sense of dread when I hear my dogs barking in the night. What do their doggy senses perceive out there that I cannot? On some nights, when the wind blows and the dogs begin baying into the blackness, I think they are barking at John Carpenter's Vampires.

I have felt this way ever since we got the dogs. Everyone knows that dogs are excellent detectors of vampires, Terminators, and Batman. What if the next time I let the dogs out to pee late at night and they start to bark they are actually trying to warn me that John Carpenter's Vampires are approaching?

Those brave dogs could be buying my family valuable seconds to escape - if I listen to their warning.

Why John Carpenter's Vampires? I don't know. God help me, I don't know.

Laugh at the paranoid blogger with bad taste in movies all you like. But the next time your dog starts barking for no reason, I dare you to ask yourself: "Is my pet trying to warn me of an impending attack by (vampire/cyborg/Batman)?"

Probably not. But can you afford to be wrong?

"I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes..."

2009-04-20T17:12:00.000-07:00

And we're back. Sorry.

I am one of perhaps twenty-five people who saw Snakes on a Plane in a movie theater. Paid full price, even. Their marketing campaign actually worked on me. And yes, I was also one of the many people who cluttered the Internet with a wacky Snakes on a Plane parody. Sorry.

Here's the broadcast TV version of Samuel L. Jackson's famous line at the end of the film: "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane." I am now going to use the term "monkey fight" whenever I feel like swearing in mixed company.

Link

Offered without comment

2009-03-20T17:48:00.001-07:00

Thanks Summer!

Great Moments in Soap Opera History, Part I

2009-03-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

I have made no secret of my affection for the long running soap opera Days of Our Lives. More specifically, I'm a big fan of actor Drake Hogestyn, who is pretty much the most bad-ass actor ever to appear on daytime television. Hogestyn's John Black character was devoted to Marlena, played by Electra Woman herself Deidre Hall, and the super couple endured many ups and downs over the years.

It must be a) hard and b) fun to work as a writer on a soap opera, continually cooking up plots to keep lovers apart. After a while you run out of earthly challenges and you just have to throw some crazy shit into the mix. The nadir (or apex) of crazy shit on Days of Our Lives was the infamous possession storyline, which played out over the course of weeks. Months, even.

Without getting into boring detail, Marlena became possessed by The Devil. It was HILARIOUS.

Thanks to my pal David Gutierrez for forwarding me this video compilation of the possession storyline. In just a few minutes you can get up to speed on the wonder and magic of one of the most infamous plotlines in soap opera history.

If you don't feel like slogging through the whole thing, skip ahead to the 7:55 mark for a truly HOLY SHIT moment involving projectile vomit, heat vision (for reals), slow flying, and a self-censoring demon who uses PG swear words.

Watch now, thank me later. You'll be glad you did.

I've never been able to divine the reasoning behind this storyline on Days. What were the writers and producers thinking? Surely they were aware of the demographic make up of their audience, so how did they ever think a prolonged demonic possession story would go over well with loyal soap opera viewers? It's baffling.

I still think they should have made Marlena a time traveling cyborg who was sent back in time by lizard aliens to seduce and destroy John Black because his pure awesomeness posed a threat to their plans for global domination. It couldn't have been worse...

Mike Sterling: Lover, Fighter, Believer

2009-03-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Hey, my good friend Mike Sterling over at Progressive Ruin turned 40 today! Man, that is OLD.

If you can't take Mike out for a candlelit dinner for two like me, stop by his blog and wish the old man a happy birthday. I suggest typing a message in ALL CAPS so Mike can read it a little easier. They say that eyesight is the second thing to go when you grow old, right after rectal elasticity.

I first met Mike Sterling at TRUTHCon 1997, where he was manning a booth and answering questions about the link between the Chupacabra, the aliens known as "The Greys," and the Trilateral Commission. Mike would accost anybody who even glanced at his booth and regale them with a twenty minute overview speech that explained the secret cryptid/alien link behind the major events of the 20th century. It was pretty cosmic stuff, but Mike is a huge believer in all that conspiracy stuff and ghosts and UFOs and all that - as a matter of fact, if you email him directly, he's always happy to pontificate on subjects ranging from CIA remote viewing to the Mothman to celebrity psychics like his idol and "life coach," Gary Spivey.

Yes, Mike is a free spirit and a free thinker, and I think the world is a little better place with somebody who just rejects skepticism outright and wants to believe.

Here are ten things you might not know about my friend Mike Sterling:

He made a Swamp Thing blow up doll using a sex doll, papier mache, kudzu vine, and a viscous solution of egg whites and soy sauce. It really felt and smelled like the real thing.
Mike Sterling ends all phone calls and emails with: "STERLING OUT!"
One of his prized possessions is a white afro-helmet given to him by psychic Gary Spivey (pictured above).
If you rearrange the letters in Mike Sterling's name, ignore several letters, and then add a few letters, it spells: "I LOVE HITLER."
Mike frequently thanks heaven for little girls, but not in a creepy way.
One of Mike's legs is 1.3 inches shorter than the other. If you ask him about it he may become incredibly angry and violent, so shhh.
Mike really does live his life a quarter mile at a time.
In the rear of the Orange County comic shop Mike runs there is a special room that only a chosen few are allowed access to. This is the Liefield Room.
Mike has letters tattooed on each knuckle, so when he makes fists with his hands it reads: "YOUR DOOM." Mike is hardcore like that.
Mike lives in a black van and is coming to a school zone near you!

Happy birthday, Mike! Please forgive me for spreading horrible, horrible lies about you.

Gorilla Warfare! How to Fight and Defeat a Monster Ape

2009-02-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

Sorry again for the utter lack of content.

Without boring anybody with the details, I'm going through one of those hopefully once-in-a-lifetime Bad Times. Circumstances have diminished my ability to give a shit about trite pop cultural humor, but haven't killed that ability altogether, thankfully. I realize going silent is probably not the best strategy when launching a new blog, so I apologize and thank you for your patience.

While I was rummaging through old jungle comics covers recently at the excellent Grand Comic Book Database I noticed a lot of man-on-ape action. Slavering, lecherous, bug-eyed gorillas were pretty much the go-to monsters of jungle comics back in the day. Why?

Well, they're scary, duh.

But monster apes also had a habit of kidnapping/menacing jungle girls, investing the comic covers with more than a hint of scandalous sexuality. When a lion charges a jungle girl on one of these classic covers, its motivation is clear: LUNCH. When a monster ape carries off a jungle girl or tears at her clothes, well... apes are vegetarians. HORNY VEGETARIANS.

I've studied old jungle comic book covers at great length, and I've gleaned some important tips and techniques that I will now share with you in case you are attacked by a gigantic fucking gorilla.

Sleeper / choke hold

Monstrous apes share certain physiological similarities with human beings. If you deprive their brain of blood, they will drop like a... um, like an unconscious gorilla.

The idea here is to apply pressure to the gorilla's jugular vein and/or carotid arteries. We're trying to create a hypoxic situation in the monster's brain by cutting off the blood supply.

It's simple, really. Just get behind the monster ape that is molesting your woman, throw an arm around its massive neck, and squeeze off that blood supply. Don't underestimate the amount of force or time required to induce unconsciousness - if you're doing it right, the monster ape should pass out within sixty minutes - maybe sixty five.

Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby, because the gorilla will regain consciousness in three to five seconds, and that sumbitch is gonna be pissed off and looking for you.

The Peek-a-boo hold

Not many people know this, but gigantic horny primates are terrified of the dark. If a monster ape is making away with your lady friend, run up behind the beast and cover its eyes with your hands, a bandana, or a hat. It will shriek like a Kindergartner, drop whatever it is carrying, wet itself, and go totally limp.

Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby, because apes have a very advanced sense of shame and don't like being made fools of.

Lifting / throwing the gorilla

A good option when facing a group of slobbering, randy man-beasts is to establish dominance. Apes respect strength and blatant displays of primacy, and nothing impresses them more than when a human being lifts and throws one of their kind through the air.

Select the largest, meanest gorilla of the group, or the one that poses the greatest threat to your woman, who is tied up nearby. Approach the ape from behind, grap two big handfuls of fur, and physically lift the monster over your head. Remember to let your legs do most of the lifting - apes can be heavy.

When you have hoisted the ape overhead, shout, "HOW-ZAH!!!" to startle and attract the attention of the other apes. Then, throw the gorilla as far as possible.

Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby because apes HATE being thrown and it will want to kill you real bad.

Gorilla punch!

If all else fails, I say go for broke and just punch the hell out of the ape. Sure, the gorilla is bigger, tougher, and more resilient than you are, but don't underestimate the power of good ol' right cross to the kisser. Remember to aim your fist at a spot slightly beyond the ape's jaw and twist your entire torso when you punch, or else you're just going to irritate it.

The punching tactic is much more effective if you have a twin brother who can jump on the monster ape's back while you strike it. At the very least, if your strategy doesn't work it may focus its rage on your twin.

If you don't have a twin, hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby...

Comics that need to be published again, pt 4

2009-02-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

Zegra the Jungle Empress. Fox Features Syndicate.

I've always wondered about jungle girl comics. How come you never see a hideously scarred jungle girl? With all the half-naked bushwacking they do, you'd think they'd just be covered head to toe with scars.

Take Zegra, for instance. Here she is getting ambushed by a tiger whilst straddling a tree limb in knee length grass. Unless she's extremely lucky, the chances of her emerging from a tiger fight completely unscathed seem remote, particularly since it looks like she bought that knife at a gas station. Since jungle girls battle tigers, lions, jaguars, and gorillas on a daily basis, it seems like Zegra would be a mass of scar tissue and weeping wounds.

What's your secret, Zegra? Aloe?

Comics that need to be published again, pt 3

2009-02-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

Tragg and the Sky Gods. Gold Key Comics.

How is it that Tragg and the Sky Gods has not been continually published for 40+ years, spawning video games and spin-off comics and cartoons and major motion pictures? Who wouldn't want to read a caveman vs aliens comic? What the hell does Turok have that Tragg doesn't?

Aside from genitalia, I mean.

This was the issue where Tragg had his manhood bitten off by a generic dinosaur type monster. Sure, Tragg managed to beat the dinomonstroid to death with a rock, but when you win a dinosaur fight but lose your penis? That's what you call "winning the battle but losing the war."

OK, I'm starting to see why Turok had more staying power than Tragg.

Comics that need to be published again, pt 2

2009-02-15T12:22:00.000-08:00

Toka, Jungle King, Dell Comics.

"I must save my strength. Worse dangers lie ahead." Toka knows how to pace himself and conserve energy. He probably just doesn't want to kill his buzz.

I find this cover mystifying. Did one of those savage jungle queens tie Toka's ankle to a log? Does Toka always speak in a monotone stoner voice, with no exclamation points? Why couldn't they have actually drawn the stake or post that the damsel is tied to? Can you really put a jaguar in a sleeper hold? Are slavery, death, and civilization equally deadly choices? One seems much deadlier than the others (hint: death).

Toka: the comic book that entertains and makes you think. Clearly this needs to be published again.

Comics that need to be published again, pt 1

2009-02-14T12:17:00.000-08:00

Kona, Monarch of Monster Isle from Dell Comics.

Either Kona is a tiny little man who is saving equally tiny people from a giant cat, or holy shit look at the size of that tabby!

Are primitive weapons "the only hope" against the monster cat, as the cover suggests? 'Cause I'm guessing Kona wouldn't say no to anti-tank weapon at this point.

Why you no post, Dave Campbell?

2009-02-14T09:59:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the radio silence here at S.A.D. - it was a tough week, didn't feel like blogging. I know, I should think of others before I think of myself, but I'm selfish like that.

I'll tell you what - I'll make it up to you by posting a picture of THESE GUYS for you:

Clearly these gentlemen are bad enough dudes to rescue the president.

Man, how is it that colorful tiger prints ever went out of style? I'm going to make it my mission to bring that look back.

GIVE TO ME: The Briefcase Submachine Gun

2009-02-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

Let's say your investment bank is going under, but fortunately as the outgoing CEO you've got an iron clad contract that pretty much assures that you're walking away with a fat bonus while all the peons lose their jobs, savings, and houses.

Heads up. People may be pissed at you. No, I have no idea why.

The solution: the Heckler & Koch MP5 briefcase submachine gun. When your car gets stopped by angry shareholders or a school bus, it's time to go preemptive on their asses and hose the intersection down with a barrage of 9mm. Defend yourself from the unemployed rabble in style!

The briefcase submachine gun - let them eat lead.

THE MIGHTY THOR vs FENRIS

2009-02-06T02:01:00.000-08:00

OK, before anybody gets all Bullfinch on me, I know that Jormungandr the Midgard Serpent kills Thor during Ragnarok, not Fenris, but I didn't have a python handy. I worked with what I had - a Thor doll, a child's tape deck, some chicken, and my hungry dog Loki.

BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY - A dissection

2009-02-04T22:37:00.001-08:00

As a wee child, one of my favorite TV shows was Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. Just because I liked it doesn't mean it was any damn good. I was a stupid kid. I ate ants.

Thanks to the miracle of modern science that is Hulu.com, I recently watched the pilot episode of Buck Rogers to see if the show held up against my fond childhood memories.

Have I mentioned that I was a stupid kid?

Created in 1979 by legendary producer Glen A Larson, the man responsible for some of my fondest childhood TV viewing experiences, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century was an updated take on the venerable pulp science fiction hero who first appeared in 1928, predating Flash Gordon. A two-hour pilot was originally released in movie theaters in 1979 on the heels of the Star Wars craze and pulled in enough box office that NBC commissioned a TV series.

One must make certain allowances for old TV shows when considering production design and special effects. It's not very sporting to snipe at the outdated effects used on shows like Buck Rogers and Battlestar Galactica, which were state of the art at the time. I still find the practical effects on such shows charming - give me a bunch of models and a green screen any day.

As far as the actual story goes, Buck Rogers doesn't get off the hook that easy. Believe it or not, in 1979 writers and audiences were just as intelligent as they are today. Studies show that the brains of humans in the Seventies are remarkably similar to those of modern humans. I know: hard to believe, but it's true. For that reason I feel entitled - no, obligated - to rip the innards out of Buck Rogers with my kitty cat claws.

SNIKT!

The entire movie is based on stupid people doing stupid things. If the characters in Buck Rogers were not stupid, the pilot would either not exist or last approximately 25 minutes.

As William Conrad's grave narration explains during the opening credits, "in the year 1987, NASA launched the last of its deep space probes." Instead of an unmanned Voyager probe, NASA decided to send a single astronaut, William "Buck" Rogers into the endless void aboard Ranger 3, a space shuttle.

OK, hold it right there. That makes no sense. A manned deep space probe? With one guy? What if he bonks his head? Goes crazy? Gets appendicitis? Or gets frozen for 500 years in a freak accident?

That's exactly what happens. The freak accident thing, not the appendicitis.

Buck Rogers is coated in white Christmas tree flocking for 500 years until he is thawed by the evil Draconian Realm in the year 2491. The Princess Ardala's Draconian flagship Draconia is en route to Earth to sign a bogus peace treaty. The slinky Ardala and her commander Kane (Megaforce's Henry Silva) are up to no damn good. You see, they want to... ahh, it can wait.

On board their flagship, the Draconians inject Buck with an alien drug cocktail and he spends a good deal of the first act just trippin' balls. Before sending him off to Earth, they slip a tracking beacon in Ranger 3 so they can see what course he takes through the planet's defense field. Off Buck goes, and within minutes he's intercepted by a squadron of fighters led by the frosty, humorless Col. Wilma Deering (Erin Grey). Buck is still high as shit and can't quite figure out what's going on as the fighters guide him through the defenses, over a radioactive wasteland, and into a futuristic city built on the ashes of old Chicago.

Buck quickly figures out that a) he's not in the 20th Century anymore and b) the people in the 25th Century totally suck.

Seriously, mankind in this post-apocalyptic future are lame, humorless, incompetent assholes. 500 years have passed since The Great Holocaust and they can't figure out simple things like interior design, agriculture, archaeology, and making normal size doors. They've ceded authority to the Computer Council, a collection of paranoid digital clocks who control everything for them, even the weather. They hide in their cities, afraid of space pirates and post-apocalyptic mutants with sticks. They're also incredibly naive, which explains why they want to enter into a trade agreement with people called Draconians. I mean, come on. Guys might as well be called Star Nazis.

We've already met Wilma Deering, the uptight control freak. Now we're introduced to Dr. Huer, the Exposition Guy whose job will be to explain the plot to Buck in future episodes of the series. We also meet Twiki, a stuttering little robot with a Prince Valiant haircut that utters "humorous" anachronisms. Twiki's voice is provided by the legendary Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny. (True story: When I was a kid growing up in Los Angeles I used to run into Mel Blanc walking his dog and he would always do cool voices for me and my friends. Great guy.)

Twiki's sole purpose is to carry around Dr. Theopolis, one of the Computer Council. Theopolis speaks in a creepy sedated voice that sounds different from scene to scene, and is possibly the world's first gay clock. He's always giving Buck unsolicited, mildly lecherous compliments: "You look magnificent, Buck." I have no idea why the Computer Council didn't have their human pawns build them bodies, or at least legs. I guess if they did Buck Rogers would be a totally different movie.

While the Future Humans in Buck Rogers aren't the least bit suspicious of the Draconians and their massive, allegedly unarmed flagship, they suspect Buck Rogers is a spy for the space pirates who have been harassing their shipping lanes. On Future Earth they're incapable of farming or building greenhouses, so they import almost everything. They're also unfamiliar with the concept of armed convoys, so Future Earth is sort of bent over a barrel. A treaty with the benevolent and peace-loving Draconians is their only hope!

Tools.

Nobody will tell Buck about the Great Holocaust, either because they skipped over that topic in school or because the Computer Council won't let them discuss it. Buck wants some answers, so he heads out into the Warner Brothers back lot with Twikie and Dr. Theopolis, who tag along to add some dead weight.

What does Buck hope to find in the rubble? Beats me. He ignores the obvious danger posed by the pack of generic stick-waving mutants who swarm around them until he locates the grave of his family. Well, THAT explains a lot. His parents are dead! Not only did they perish in the Great Holocaust, they didn't live for five hundred years waiting for their son to come home.

Wilma and a bunch of troops in silver tights arrive and blow the bejeezus out of the stick-waving mutants, saving Buck's ass. They accomplish this with such ease and nonchalance that one wonders why Future Mankind hasn't settled the wasteland, or at the very least scavenged the ruins for some neat antiques.

Back in The Inner City, the Future Humans have found the tracking device on Ranger 3. They don't believe that the Draconians could possibly have planted the beacon, so they put Buck on trial for treason.

The Computer Council's trial takes about three minutes, during which no evidence is presented and Dr. Theopolis, Buck's defense attorney, makes no attempt to refute any of the charges. Buck is sentenced to death!

...until right after the commercial break, when they change their minds.

The humans decide to test Buck's story by flying out to the Draconia and chatting with Princess Ardala. She wouldn't lie to them. In case she does, they plan on being left alone long enough that they can poke around the massive spaceship to find some kind of clue, a classic case of Scooby Doo logic. Maybe they'll find an Amazon receipt for the tracking beacon in a trash can?

Because they're idiots, the Future Humans let Buck, who is a traitor for all they know, fly in a fully armed fighter craft (which are admittedly pretty cool) with them to the Draconian ship. Before the Earthlings arrive, Kane scrambles a flight of Draconian "pirate" fighters. See, the Draconians are really the ones responsible for the pirate attacks. SHOCKER. This goes unnoticed by the approaching Earth fighters, because they have no radar in the 25th Century.

After a five second conversation between Wilma, Buck, Kane, and Ardala on the Draconia, the giant ship is "attacked" by the pirates. Since the huge space juggernaut is completely defenseless against a few fighters, Wilma and her squadron scramble to defend their new friends.

Wouldn't you know it? In the future they let their combat computers do the fighting for them, which means that Wilma's entire force is decimated by the pirates in record time. Buck tries to help, in exchanges like this:

BUCK: "Watch it, Henderson, you've got a bogey at twelve o'clock!"

HENDERSON: "Twelve o'clock? What's a 'bogey?' AAAGGHH!!!!"

BUCK: "...dumb ass."

Buck has finally had enough of this crap. Despite Wilma's protests, he turns off his combat computer and goes manual. "Now then, let's see how you like a little old fashioned red dogging!" Buck says. CUE THE GUITARS. In the movie's best scene, Buck single-handedly destroys the entire attack force and gives all those neutered Future Humans a little taste of some old school ultra-violence.

After this incident, Wilma apologizes for misjudging Buck and the Computer Council forgets about executing him. No hard feelings, right?

Finally, the Draconian ship arrives in orbit and Princess Ardala shows up for a peace ceremony. The Draconians must build the slowest spaceships in the galaxy. Presumably the Draconia is en route to Earth at the beginning of the film when they scoop Buck up. They let him go, and somehow his 500 year old space shuttle arrives on the planet before they do. Days later Wilma and her squadron fly out to meet the Draconia, which one must assume is far enough away from Earth that the planet's early warning system doesn't notice the unarmed flagship disgorging a bunch of fighter craft. I'm just guessing here, but it seems like at least a week has passed since Buck arrived in the 25th century, and the Draconians are just now showing up. Did they have engine trouble or something?

Princess Ardala shows up to the ceremony in a fetching bikini + horns ensemble and shoots come-hither glances at Buck while the Future Humans perform a space waltz for her enjoyment. Buck sends Twiki and Dr. Theopolis off to get him a rose and some roofies - he's got a big night planned. Buck and Ardala hit the dance floor, but the space waltz isn't his speed. With very little prompting, Buck convinces the guy behind the Casio to play something a little more up-tempo - and thus begins the infamous Buck Rogers disco scene. My friends at io9 have the horrifying footage; go take a look.

There's something about this primitive Earthling and his... how do you say? Ah yes, his "disco dancing" that just turns Ardala on. She arranges to meet Buck on her shuttle later so they can fly back to the Draconia and %$#@.

Complication: Wilma Deering. She intercepts Buck on his way to Ardala's shuttle and confesses her true feelings. "I've found myself crying - then laughing. Feeling angry at you, and then feeling the most amazing tenderness," she says, and then goes in for a kiss. While they kiss, Buck glances down at his watch. Rogers, you dog!

I don't quite buy the whole laughing/crying thing. Wilma seems too emotionally constipated in the pilot to actually cry, and Buck says absolutely nothing funny whatsoever during the entire film. I think Wilma was just feeding Buck a line so she could jump his 500 year old bones. Regardless, it doesn't work. Buck blows her off - he's got a shuttle and possibly a Draconian venereal disease to catch.

On the Draconian warship, Buck and the princess suck face in her chambers. When she slips into a slightly more comfortable bikini - they must have excellent central heating on the Draconia - Buck slips a space roofie into her drink. She's out like a light. I'm not sure if it would have been more or less sexist if Buck had just judo chopped Ardala into unconsciousness.

He has no reservations about sucker punching a Draconian mechanic on the flight deck, however. Buck puts the guy's cosplay samurai helmet on and begins sabotaging the Draconian ships by placing bombs in their exhaust pipes, which nobody notices. Ah, the old banana in the tailpipe trick. Buck had better hustle - Kane is planning to launch an attack on Earth in a matter of minutes!

Meanwhile, Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, who stowed away on the princess' shuttle, are also sneaking around the enemy ship, completely unnoticed. They spot Buck in his Draconian uniform and - Jesus - they think he's a spy again! It's no wonder Earth is so messed up if geniuses like Theopolis are on the Computer Council. Buck explains to them in really simple terms that they can understand that no, he's not a member of the Draconian flight crew, he's really a good guy. I would seriously consider just shooting them if I were Buck - nobody would know.

For reasons that aren't entirely clear to me, Wilma and a squad of Earth starfighters attack the Draconia and are shocked when the enemy fighters begin blowing up shortly after launching. It's a good thing, because none of Wilma's pilots are worth a damn in a dogfight. Wilma's fighters attack the huge flagship - which has exactly zero anti-spacecraft weapons - and the whole damn thing starts to explode.

Risking all, Wilma lands on the Draconian ship and rescues Buck, Twiki, and Dr. Theopolis. They jump into the convenient back seat of her fighter. Hey, if these ships had a back seat, why didn't they make Buck ride as a passenger during their first trip to the Draconia instead of letting a convicted traitor fly in an armed fighter? I'm over thinking this.

The Draconia blows up, but not before Kane and Ardala escape in a shuttle. Buck sees them and says nothing, but nobody else notices because remember? NO RADAR.

The producers tacked on a new scene at the end of the movie that was filmed to lead into the series proper. Dr. Huer and Wilma (wearing one of her famous skintight jumpsuits) visit Buck in his quarters, where he's trying to make the place a little more homey with some plants and a pepper mill. They don't understand the purpose of the plants - these are the geniuses that don't grow their own food in greenhouses, so no surprise there.

Dr. Huer and Wilma ask Buck if he'd like to be a freelance spy/troubleshooter for them. He says no. End of movie.

You heard me - he says NO. What the hell kind of lead-in to a TV series is that?

WILMA: "Hey, Buck, would you like to be a space James Bond for us?"

BUCK: "No thanks."

WILMA: "OK."

That's it.

For all its faults, the pilot for Buck Rogers in the 25th Century has a certain dated charm. The level of sophistication and quality on display here is pretty indicative of the first season of the series as a whole. They actually managed to pull off a few episodes that surpassed the pilot, like the episode with Jamie Lee Curtis and the indestructible android prison guard, the Frank Gorshin two-parter, and the classic Space Vampire. I still feel a twinge of nostalgic affection for the show.

I almost forgot! One of the best parts about the theatrical release of Buck Rogers was the kick-ass title sequence, which was too spicy for primetime television. It's a little bit James Bond, a little bit cryogenic hallucination, and a whole lot of awesome:

via videosift.com

From the archives: The Kissing Bandit

2009-02-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

Here's a sketch I found from The Archives. It's amazing what you can find when digging through boxes of old shit looking for tax documents.

I can't quite recall why I drew The Kissing Bandit in the first place. If memory serves I think I wanted a custom-made Halloween costume using fancy gold curtain sashes at the time, and this was what I came up with.

Clearly not one of my better ideas.

I really wanted to wear this, padded codpiece and all.

Give it to me straight: there's something wrong with me, isn't there?