ASK THE SHERIFF
Sheriff John Bunnell, the host of World's Wildest Police Videos, is a retired lawman who inexplicably still rides shotgun with police officers that are responding to emergencies. His voiceovers for the police video clip show are the stuff of legend; John Bunnell's narration is sneering, moralistic, and aggressive.
In other words, they are hilarious.
Not a lot of people know this, but Sheriff John Bunnell is a bit of a super-genius, well-versed in every subject and unfathomably wise. A friend of the Society, Sheriff John Bunnell occasionally stops by to answer reader questions in a little segment we like to call Ask the Sheriff.
(OK, you know this is all bullshit, right? I feel like I should call it Fake Sheriff John Bunnell so I don't get sued.)
Our first question comes to us via the Internet, from thndrkat87:
Q: Hi Sherrif My sister-in-law got my kids a really violent toy this year for Christmas, and we have a strict "no war toys" environment in my house. She KNOWS this, but still gets the violent toy - this one is called "The Impaler," Sherrif, for my daughter Tabitha, 7. Should I just get rid of the toy and not make a big deal out of it, or should I confront her?
A: Rude, lewd, and completely out of control! Some people's relatives don't know when to quit! I'm Sheriff John Bunnell, and in 27 years of law enforcement I've seen some messed up situations between family relations, but sending violent toys into a hippie's house is like a cruise missile of anti-social behavior that detonates on contact in your den or play room. You need to cowgirl up and take this bull-headed she-bitch by the horns. It's time to lay down the law. No more war toys for my sweet baby angel - or I'm going to take you down like a SWAT team home invasion on a cold February night.
Great question, thndrkat87. Here's a question on a different topic from a reader named Princess Jonni:
Q: Sheriff Bunnell, do you believe in original sin?
A: Adam and Eve were fast, loose, and out of control. There was only one rule in the Garden of Eden, but this pair of dummies had to break it. That was the Original Sin, and now we're stuck paying the price for their boneheaded blunder. Or are we? I'm Sherriff John Bunnell, and if there's one thing I've learned from a quarter century of chasing down bad guys in the Garden of Speedin' - we're only responsible for our own load of sin. Sometimes criminal choices meet hard hitting consequences, so choose wisely, or you're going to have a lot of time to regret your decision - IN A JAIL CELL. You have the power, you can make the difference. Keep the peace!
In other words, they are hilarious.
Not a lot of people know this, but Sheriff John Bunnell is a bit of a super-genius, well-versed in every subject and unfathomably wise. A friend of the Society, Sheriff John Bunnell occasionally stops by to answer reader questions in a little segment we like to call Ask the Sheriff.
(OK, you know this is all bullshit, right? I feel like I should call it Fake Sheriff John Bunnell so I don't get sued.)
Our first question comes to us via the Internet, from thndrkat87:
Q: Hi Sherrif My sister-in-law got my kids a really violent toy this year for Christmas, and we have a strict "no war toys" environment in my house. She KNOWS this, but still gets the violent toy - this one is called "The Impaler," Sherrif, for my daughter Tabitha, 7. Should I just get rid of the toy and not make a big deal out of it, or should I confront her?
A: Rude, lewd, and completely out of control! Some people's relatives don't know when to quit! I'm Sheriff John Bunnell, and in 27 years of law enforcement I've seen some messed up situations between family relations, but sending violent toys into a hippie's house is like a cruise missile of anti-social behavior that detonates on contact in your den or play room. You need to cowgirl up and take this bull-headed she-bitch by the horns. It's time to lay down the law. No more war toys for my sweet baby angel - or I'm going to take you down like a SWAT team home invasion on a cold February night.
Great question, thndrkat87. Here's a question on a different topic from a reader named Princess Jonni:
Q: Sheriff Bunnell, do you believe in original sin?
A: Adam and Eve were fast, loose, and out of control. There was only one rule in the Garden of Eden, but this pair of dummies had to break it. That was the Original Sin, and now we're stuck paying the price for their boneheaded blunder. Or are we? I'm Sherriff John Bunnell, and if there's one thing I've learned from a quarter century of chasing down bad guys in the Garden of Speedin' - we're only responsible for our own load of sin. Sometimes criminal choices meet hard hitting consequences, so choose wisely, or you're going to have a lot of time to regret your decision - IN A JAIL CELL. You have the power, you can make the difference. Keep the peace!
This entry was posted by David Campbell, on
Tuesday, December 30, 2008.
You can leave your response.
December 30, 2008 6:50 AM
"That was the Original Sin, and now we're stuck paying the price for their boneheaded blunder. Or are we?"
Man, I was worried for a moment that the Sheriff was about to turn all Jack Chick on me here, start talking about getting Saved....Phew, close one.
December 30, 2008 7:04 AM
hee! "Garden of Speedin'"
December 30, 2008 7:47 AM
Oh my! With that magnificent head of hair, he looks just like Jor-El! Who also likes to tell people what to do.
December 30, 2008 6:41 PM
Genius post, Dave! This is a bit late considering, but welcome back to the non-corporate blogging world. You've been missed.
Also thanks to you I can't get the sheriff's voice out of my head. Thanks, thanks a lot.
December 31, 2008 8:45 AM
nice dave
December 31, 2008 7:13 PM
That guy! I didn't know he'd been a real cop, I just thought he had some kind of cop fetish.
Seriously, I once saw him on his show dressed up in some sort of police dress uniform, and the badge and buttons were so shiny & gleaming my first response wasn't "must be a real cop" but "must have creepy sexual fixation on cops."