There are so many ways for the world to end, it's hard to pick a favorite. I guess if I had to choose, it would be pretty cool to be collateral damage during Ragnarok, the final world-shattering, god-killing battle in Norse mythology. One sweep of the Midgard Serpent's tail or one stray blast of lightning from Thor's hammer and your ticket is officially punched.

But enough about what I want - let's talk about the Many Faces of Doomsday, the eight most likely ways mankind will end.



Robot Overlords - It doesn't matter where they come from. They could be from the future, like The Terminators. They could be from another planet, like the Cybermen on Dr. Who. Or they could just be vending machines that come to life after earth passes through a comet's tail, like in the fine film Maximum Overdrive. On thing is for sure, being slave to Robot Overlords would suck ass. Can you think of one instance where robots and humans lived in a state of happy co-existence? Of course you can't, it's because robots are total assholes. Fun means nothing to them. Art? Illogical. Music? Does not compute. Say goodbye to your books, your video game, and your weed, too! The robots won't let you keep any of that, man. Whether it's the octopoid robots in The Matrix, The Borg from Star Trek, or mutant hunting Sentinels, the story is always the same: working for The Robots is a big bummer.



Super Volcano - One day, Yellowstone National Park is going to go nuclear (probably Dec 12th, 2012) and if you happen to live anywhere within, oh, 3,000 miles or so of the epicenter, you are going to be in a world of AAAGH SCALDING ASH CLOUD AARGH DROWNING IN MOLTEN MUD!!!!! I'm serious, you should start thinking about moving someplace off-continent, bro. Not even Pierce Brosnan can save your ass. In the Yellowstone scenario, North America would be covered under a centimeter of ash, global weather patterns would change, plants and animal species would die off, and anyone within the huge blast zone would pretty much be screwed. I'm looking at you, Helena, Montana!



Boom Shaka Laka - I love the term "Extinction Level Event." That's what you call it when one of the hundreds of sizable (1 mile wide) asteroids in proximity to Earth scores a direct hit on our tiny little planet. A big enough meteor would snuff out most life on earth, triggering massive earthquakes, volcanic activity, a mega tsunami or two, and plunge the Earth into a nuclear winter. If you survived the initial "event" you'd be so screwed that you'd have to rename the planet "World of Hurt."



Rampaging Super-Monster - You know, the more I think about this the less likely it seems that our planet could actually be destroyed by a single rampaging monster, no matter how super or monstrous. It's just a hell of a lot of work for one monster. Let's take the pictured examples, for instance: Doomsday, Godzilla, and The Incredible Hulk. The murderous monstrosity Doomsday from DC Comics was so powerful that it even killed Superman, albeit temporarily. Still, you'd think that after killing the Man of Steel, Doomsday would live up to his name and destroy Metropolis, but no. He's incredibly powerful, but the destruction he causes is relatively limited, sort of like a tornado. Same goes for Godzilla. Sure, he's destroyed Tokyo a couple dozen times, but they always rebuild it, don't they? Given Godzilla's leisurely pace, I feel certain that mankind could repair the damage almost as fast as Godzilla makes it. The Incredible Hulk is frequently described as the most powerful being in Marvel Comics, but again, his actual path of destruction is fairly narrow and brief. The Hulk always stops to pet a kitty or take a nap or something, and everything calms down. Plus, the Hulk never actually kills anybody during his rampages, so I doubt he could actually destroy the world. I've talked myself out of it - rampaging super-monsters are just not that great of a threat to life on Earth.



Manmade Black Hole - Thanks, European braniacs who built the Large Hadron Collider! Thanks, eggheads at Livermore National Laboratory, with your crazy anti-matter experiments or whatever the hell you do down there! Because of you smart guys, the whole frickin' planet is going to get sucked into a black hole that starts in The Alps and then burrows its way to the earth's core, where it begins to eat all matter everywhere! Thanks a bunch! Actually, I'm kind of talking out of my ass here because I have no idea the level or risk posed by nuclear research and whatnot - I'm just a scientifically challenged slacker who fears what he cannot understand. That is the only reason that "manmade black hole" even made it on the list - fear and ignorance!



Zombie Apocalypse - This would either be the worst doomsday scenario on the list, or the most fun. It sort of depends whether or not you have a firearms and ammo, love shopping, and don't have any close friends or family that you have to defend from the ghouls. Sure, it would suck to see your family get eaten by zombies, but if you were a sociopathic loner type, the Zombie Apocalypse would be kind of fun. Just barricade yourself inside a shopping mall with some food and high-caliber weaponry and have a ball! As long as a biker gang doesn't show up to crash your party...



Doomsday Bikers - It's a widely held belief that when/if society crumbles, people will instantly get mohawks and neo-tribal tattoos and race around on motorcycles (or jet skis or in muscle cars) and shoot other survivors with harpoon guns. That's just something we're all going to have to deal with. So although "Doomsday Bikers" is not an actual means of destroying civilization, they are present in nearly every post-apocalypse scenario. My advice is to invest in some kevlar body armor and crossbows in the event of raids on your homestead or peaceful commune, and start training with a medieval hand weapon in case you're captured and forced into gladiator combat. Don't laugh; post-apocalypse bikers will be a greater threat than mutant bears.



Alien Invasion - It's hard to say exactly how much an alien invasion would suck because there are so many different warlike alien races out there. It could be a stealth invasion, like in They Live or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or it could be a full on monument-destroying conquest like in Independence Day or Mars Attacks! With any luck, we'd be invaded by the beautiful but warlike Glamazons from Venus, but we'll probably end up slaves of Darkseid, toiling and dying in his vast ash pits while he turns our children into monsters. Yeah, it's too hard to characterize how awesome or crappy an alien invasion would be, but chances are we wouldn't enjoy it very much.



The Up-Side - There's a little bit of fun in all the doomsday scenarios we've talked about - you just have to possess a positive mental attitude and lose your aversion to cannibalism in order to find it. You can have a kick ass time after doomsday, as long as you don't let something like nuclear winter or alien hunter-killer drones bring you down. No, now is the time to get yourself a trench coat and some weaponry and kick some ass. Most post-apocalyptic situations share one thing in common: no rules. You can make your house or the local mall into a fortress! Or speed down the wrong side of the road in your police interceptor! Or just get out there and take in all the wonders that the wasteland has in store for you in a futuristic armored vehicle! Now is the time to embrace anarchy, to become your own King and/or Queen! It helps to realize that your lifespan is now more likely measured in weeks instead of years - it just puts everything in a proper fatalistic perspective.

So you see, there's a potential for fun and personal growth lurking in most doomsday scenarios. Except maybe the black hole one, that would just um... suck.

Thank you! I'll be here until December 2012, folks.

This entry was posted by David Campbell, on Thursday, January 1, 2009. You can leave your response.