Gorilla Warfare! How to Fight and Defeat a Monster Ape
Sorry again for the utter lack of content.
Without boring anybody with the details, I'm going through one of those hopefully once-in-a-lifetime Bad Times. Circumstances have diminished my ability to give a shit about trite pop cultural humor, but haven't killed that ability altogether, thankfully. I realize going silent is probably not the best strategy when launching a new blog, so I apologize and thank you for your patience.
While I was rummaging through old jungle comics covers recently at the excellent Grand Comic Book Database I noticed a lot of man-on-ape action. Slavering, lecherous, bug-eyed gorillas were pretty much the go-to monsters of jungle comics back in the day. Why?
Well, they're scary, duh.
But monster apes also had a habit of kidnapping/menacing jungle girls, investing the comic covers with more than a hint of scandalous sexuality. When a lion charges a jungle girl on one of these classic covers, its motivation is clear: LUNCH. When a monster ape carries off a jungle girl or tears at her clothes, well... apes are vegetarians. HORNY VEGETARIANS.
I've studied old jungle comic book covers at great length, and I've gleaned some important tips and techniques that I will now share with you in case you are attacked by a gigantic fucking gorilla.
Sleeper / choke hold
Monstrous apes share certain physiological similarities with human beings. If you deprive their brain of blood, they will drop like a... um, like an unconscious gorilla.
The idea here is to apply pressure to the gorilla's jugular vein and/or carotid arteries. We're trying to create a hypoxic situation in the monster's brain by cutting off the blood supply.
It's simple, really. Just get behind the monster ape that is molesting your woman, throw an arm around its massive neck, and squeeze off that blood supply. Don't underestimate the amount of force or time required to induce unconsciousness - if you're doing it right, the monster ape should pass out within sixty minutes - maybe sixty five.
Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby, because the gorilla will regain consciousness in three to five seconds, and that sumbitch is gonna be pissed off and looking for you.
The Peek-a-boo hold
Not many people know this, but gigantic horny primates are terrified of the dark. If a monster ape is making away with your lady friend, run up behind the beast and cover its eyes with your hands, a bandana, or a hat. It will shriek like a Kindergartner, drop whatever it is carrying, wet itself, and go totally limp.
Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby, because apes have a very advanced sense of shame and don't like being made fools of.
Lifting / throwing the gorilla
A good option when facing a group of slobbering, randy man-beasts is to establish dominance. Apes respect strength and blatant displays of primacy, and nothing impresses them more than when a human being lifts and throws one of their kind through the air.
Select the largest, meanest gorilla of the group, or the one that poses the greatest threat to your woman, who is tied up nearby. Approach the ape from behind, grap two big handfuls of fur, and physically lift the monster over your head. Remember to let your legs do most of the lifting - apes can be heavy.
When you have hoisted the ape overhead, shout, "HOW-ZAH!!!" to startle and attract the attention of the other apes. Then, throw the gorilla as far as possible.
Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby because apes HATE being thrown and it will want to kill you real bad.
Gorilla punch!
If all else fails, I say go for broke and just punch the hell out of the ape. Sure, the gorilla is bigger, tougher, and more resilient than you are, but don't underestimate the power of good ol' right cross to the kisser. Remember to aim your fist at a spot slightly beyond the ape's jaw and twist your entire torso when you punch, or else you're just going to irritate it.
The punching tactic is much more effective if you have a twin brother who can jump on the monster ape's back while you strike it. At the very least, if your strategy doesn't work it may focus its rage on your twin.
If you don't have a twin, hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby...
Without boring anybody with the details, I'm going through one of those hopefully once-in-a-lifetime Bad Times. Circumstances have diminished my ability to give a shit about trite pop cultural humor, but haven't killed that ability altogether, thankfully. I realize going silent is probably not the best strategy when launching a new blog, so I apologize and thank you for your patience.
While I was rummaging through old jungle comics covers recently at the excellent Grand Comic Book Database I noticed a lot of man-on-ape action. Slavering, lecherous, bug-eyed gorillas were pretty much the go-to monsters of jungle comics back in the day. Why?
Well, they're scary, duh.
But monster apes also had a habit of kidnapping/menacing jungle girls, investing the comic covers with more than a hint of scandalous sexuality. When a lion charges a jungle girl on one of these classic covers, its motivation is clear: LUNCH. When a monster ape carries off a jungle girl or tears at her clothes, well... apes are vegetarians. HORNY VEGETARIANS.
I've studied old jungle comic book covers at great length, and I've gleaned some important tips and techniques that I will now share with you in case you are attacked by a gigantic fucking gorilla.
Sleeper / choke hold
Monstrous apes share certain physiological similarities with human beings. If you deprive their brain of blood, they will drop like a... um, like an unconscious gorilla.
The idea here is to apply pressure to the gorilla's jugular vein and/or carotid arteries. We're trying to create a hypoxic situation in the monster's brain by cutting off the blood supply.
It's simple, really. Just get behind the monster ape that is molesting your woman, throw an arm around its massive neck, and squeeze off that blood supply. Don't underestimate the amount of force or time required to induce unconsciousness - if you're doing it right, the monster ape should pass out within sixty minutes - maybe sixty five.
Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby, because the gorilla will regain consciousness in three to five seconds, and that sumbitch is gonna be pissed off and looking for you.
The Peek-a-boo hold
Not many people know this, but gigantic horny primates are terrified of the dark. If a monster ape is making away with your lady friend, run up behind the beast and cover its eyes with your hands, a bandana, or a hat. It will shriek like a Kindergartner, drop whatever it is carrying, wet itself, and go totally limp.
Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby, because apes have a very advanced sense of shame and don't like being made fools of.
Lifting / throwing the gorilla
A good option when facing a group of slobbering, randy man-beasts is to establish dominance. Apes respect strength and blatant displays of primacy, and nothing impresses them more than when a human being lifts and throws one of their kind through the air.Select the largest, meanest gorilla of the group, or the one that poses the greatest threat to your woman, who is tied up nearby. Approach the ape from behind, grap two big handfuls of fur, and physically lift the monster over your head. Remember to let your legs do most of the lifting - apes can be heavy.
When you have hoisted the ape overhead, shout, "HOW-ZAH!!!" to startle and attract the attention of the other apes. Then, throw the gorilla as far as possible.
Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby because apes HATE being thrown and it will want to kill you real bad.
Gorilla punch!
If all else fails, I say go for broke and just punch the hell out of the ape. Sure, the gorilla is bigger, tougher, and more resilient than you are, but don't underestimate the power of good ol' right cross to the kisser. Remember to aim your fist at a spot slightly beyond the ape's jaw and twist your entire torso when you punch, or else you're just going to irritate it.
The punching tactic is much more effective if you have a twin brother who can jump on the monster ape's back while you strike it. At the very least, if your strategy doesn't work it may focus its rage on your twin.
If you don't have a twin, hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby...
This entry was posted by David Campbell, on
Monday, February 23, 2009.
You can leave your response.
February 23, 2009 9:09 PM
So, engaging them from the safety of my Crime Zepplin is right out?
February 24, 2009 6:23 PM
I say just leave the woman and get the heck out of there. Preferably in a Land Rover.
February 24, 2009 6:46 PM
Just whack them with a rifle butt!
http://bcuzisayso.blogspot.com/2009/01/apes-cant-be-trusted.html#links
February 25, 2009 7:04 AM
Why do jungle people always make loincloths and bikinis out of skins of tigers, cheetahs and jaguars? Why not aim for a less ferocious animal, like a herbivore? I mean it has got to be a lot easy and less dangerous to snag a zebra or gazelle pelt, rather than a tiger. But I am a man and as my wife has explained to me time-and-time-again, I just don't understand suffering for fashion.
February 25, 2009 12:03 PM
Less predators in the area would make for a more substantial zebra harvest. It's the delicate balance of ecosystems and Tarzan stereotypes.
So basically, if you want to eat steak on a regular basis you have to occasionally risk maiming by a leopard.
February 25, 2009 1:15 PM
Do you think "Dagar the Invincible" might still be published today if they didn't choose to give away the ending of every issue by naming it "Dagar the Invincible"?
February 26, 2009 2:27 AM
Hang on, nobody has pointed out that our heroes are Gorilla pressing Gorillas.
Did the Ultimate Warrior die for nothing???
Every day needs Campbell seasoned monkey mauling :)
February 27, 2009 10:33 AM
This post has been removed by the author.
February 27, 2009 10:35 AM
1. Hope things are Ok, Dave.
2. I was recently at the zoo and I did indeed consider leaping the barricade to fight a gorilla (using some of the techniques you described even), however that was tempered by the horrible image of me disturbing these majestic and docile creatures.
Plus, my wife was with me, so I didn't want to risk the gorilla winning the fight and running off with my gal.
March 1, 2009 6:34 PM
Dave,
Do you have any data comparing the frequency of gorilla attacks against women over time with the frequency of women attacks against gorillas over the same time period?
I'm thinking that statistically I may be better off if you could offer me a post showing various methods of protecting myself against women attacks, as I feel I am fairly unlikely to be attacked by a gorilla.
March 3, 2009 10:26 AM
I've had good luck fighting monster apes using a key bit of knowledge: gorillas are nature's most litigious animal. By producing the business card of my lawyer at the first sign of trouble, the ape will almost always back off. Intra-gorilla lawsuits have raised the cost of ape-surance to such levels that few great apes are willing to risk a civil suit anymore.
March 7, 2009 12:46 PM
Stupid pop culture bits and pieces are nice and all, but hang in there, Dave.
You’ve always been one of my favorite writers, hell you even made me want to watch Dancing With The Stars… which is kind of fucked up when you think about it.
March 9, 2009 3:36 AM
I believe the leopard-skin or tiger-skin loincloth is a status symbol. People see you're wearing the skin of a leopard and they're all like, "Oh my god, he killed a leopard and is also wearing its skin! He is bad-ass!"
October 3, 2009 1:09 PM
Awesome finds man. I wonder if they had anything like this in Kazar?