So you think you might have a drug problem.

Hey, don't beat yourself up. It happens. You start off snorting a line in the back room at the office Christmas party and the next thing you know you're walking the streets in a short skirt and a bad wig, calling yourself "Charice" and trying to scrounge up enough money to buy yourself a few hits. It could happen to anybody.

Even Batman.

Yes, the Dark Knight himself, that paragon of willpower, once suffered from a dependency on illegal drugs - namely the super-steroid "venom." Don't believe me? Check out Legends of the Dark Knight #16-20, by Denny O'Neil, Trevor Von Eeden, Russell Braun, and Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez. Batman didn't quite make it to the bad wig / short skirt stage, but it was pretty touch and go there for a while.

So how did Batman kick his drug habit? Simple: HE'S THE GODDAMN BATMAN.

Even though you and I don't possess Batman's iron will, we can still learn from his experience and adopt some of his hard-earned lessons. Yes, you too can kick drugs the Batman way.

Step 1. Determine if you have a problem.

It's gut-check time. You're going to need to take a good long look inside and be brutally honest with yourself. Do you have a drug problem?

Ask yourself: Do you think about drugs incessantly? Are they always on your mind at work, in the shower, or on the bus heading to work? What's the one thing you think about most during the day?



Does a lack of drugs constitute a crisis? Do you find yourself searching desperately under the couch cushions or in your car for the tiniest trace of drugs? Do you call up annoying people that you might not otherwise hang out with because they may have drugs? Do you fly into an uncontrollable rage when you run out of your drug of choice?

If so: bad sign.



Are you short-tempered with friends, co-workers, or your butler? Do you take out your anger on innocent household appliances that have never done you wrong? Have you ever "hulked out" and ripped your clothing?

These warning signs should not be ignored.



Has your fondness for drugs reduced you to performing undignified acts? Do feel like Sting should be writing a tragic song about you? Have you ever insisted that people call you Charice? Would Amy Winehouse be embarrassed by your behavior? Do you scrounge around in bushes hoping to find pills?

You may have a problem.



Now that you've determined holy shit, I'm addicted to drugs! it's time to take the next step.

Step 2. Say "No" to drugs.

It helps if you can manage a guttural croaky voice like Christian Bale, but if not, just use your regular speaking voice and loudly, audibly reject drugs. "No."



Step 3. The Cave.

You thought Batman was going to seek counseling or in-patient treatment or maybe join a support group? Hell no. If you want to kick drugs the Batman way, you're going to have to use a little old-fashioned willpower.

Get rid of those drugs. Now. And not by smoking, snorting, or otherwise consuming them - that's cheating. Just dump them out, preferably in a rain-slickened back alley late at night in the middle of a rough part of town. You're in the neighborhood anyway, aren't you Charise?

Then, call your butler. Ask him - beg him if you must - to lock you in the cave. Don't have a cave? Dig one, junkie.



You're going to have to stay in the cave for a month, so you and your butler will need to make preparations. Call in sick to work - say you got in a snowboarding accident. Make sure you've set up auto-bill paying with your bank. Then get some supplies.

You'll need tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Vitamins. Mineral water. Pornography. One bucket for urine, one bucket for feces, one bucket for bat guano. One television. One Wii.

Do not bring a razor, shaving cream, or a change of clothes, because after thirty days of writhing in agony and sweating the junk out of your system, you want to emerge looking like this:



Anybody who says that bat guano isn't good for hair growth hasn't spent thirty days locked in a bat-infested cave. It's just a little side benefit of Batman's foolproof drug treatment program.

There you go: with a little willpower, a cave, and a cooperative manservant, you too can kick drugs the Batman way. No, don't thank me - thank Batman.

This entry was posted by David Campbell, on Sunday, February 1, 2009. You can leave your response.