Sorry again for the utter lack of content.

Without boring anybody with the details, I'm going through one of those hopefully once-in-a-lifetime Bad Times. Circumstances have diminished my ability to give a shit about trite pop cultural humor, but haven't killed that ability altogether, thankfully. I realize going silent is probably not the best strategy when launching a new blog, so I apologize and thank you for your patience.

While I was rummaging through old jungle comics covers recently at the excellent Grand Comic Book Database I noticed a lot of man-on-ape action. Slavering, lecherous, bug-eyed gorillas were pretty much the go-to monsters of jungle comics back in the day. Why?

Well, they're scary, duh.

But monster apes also had a habit of kidnapping/menacing jungle girls, investing the comic covers with more than a hint of scandalous sexuality. When a lion charges a jungle girl on one of these classic covers, its motivation is clear: LUNCH. When a monster ape carries off a jungle girl or tears at her clothes, well... apes are vegetarians. HORNY VEGETARIANS.

I've studied old jungle comic book covers at great length, and I've gleaned some important tips and techniques that I will now share with you in case you are attacked by a gigantic fucking gorilla.

Sleeper / choke hold


Monstrous apes share certain physiological similarities with human beings. If you deprive their brain of blood, they will drop like a... um, like an unconscious gorilla.

The idea here is to apply pressure to the gorilla's jugular vein and/or carotid arteries. We're trying to create a hypoxic situation in the monster's brain by cutting off the blood supply.

It's simple, really. Just get behind the monster ape that is molesting your woman, throw an arm around its massive neck, and squeeze off that blood supply. Don't underestimate the amount of force or time required to induce unconsciousness - if you're doing it right, the monster ape should pass out within sixty minutes - maybe sixty five.

Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby, because the gorilla will regain consciousness in three to five seconds, and that sumbitch is gonna be pissed off and looking for you.

The Peek-a-boo hold


Not many people know this, but gigantic horny primates are terrified of the dark. If a monster ape is making away with your lady friend, run up behind the beast and cover its eyes with your hands, a bandana, or a hat. It will shriek like a Kindergartner, drop whatever it is carrying, wet itself, and go totally limp.

Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby, because apes have a very advanced sense of shame and don't like being made fools of.

Lifting / throwing the gorilla

A good option when facing a group of slobbering, randy man-beasts is to establish dominance. Apes respect strength and blatant displays of primacy, and nothing impresses them more than when a human being lifts and throws one of their kind through the air.

Select the largest, meanest gorilla of the group, or the one that poses the greatest threat to your woman, who is tied up nearby. Approach the ape from behind, grap two big handfuls of fur, and physically lift the monster over your head. Remember to let your legs do most of the lifting - apes can be heavy.


When you have hoisted the ape overhead, shout, "HOW-ZAH!!!" to startle and attract the attention of the other apes. Then, throw the gorilla as far as possible.

Hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby because apes HATE being thrown and it will want to kill you real bad.

Gorilla punch!


If all else fails, I say go for broke and just punch the hell out of the ape. Sure, the gorilla is bigger, tougher, and more resilient than you are, but don't underestimate the power of good ol' right cross to the kisser. Remember to aim your fist at a spot slightly beyond the ape's jaw and twist your entire torso when you punch, or else you're just going to irritate it.

The punching tactic is much more effective if you have a twin brother who can jump on the monster ape's back while you strike it. At the very least, if your strategy doesn't work it may focus its rage on your twin.


If you don't have a twin, hopefully you will have a Land Rover or hot air balloon nearby...

Zegra the Jungle Empress. Fox Features Syndicate.

I've always wondered about jungle girl comics. How come you never see a hideously scarred jungle girl? With all the half-naked bushwacking they do, you'd think they'd just be covered head to toe with scars.

Take Zegra, for instance. Here she is getting ambushed by a tiger whilst straddling a tree limb in knee length grass. Unless she's extremely lucky, the chances of her emerging from a tiger fight completely unscathed seem remote, particularly since it looks like she bought that knife at a gas station. Since jungle girls battle tigers, lions, jaguars, and gorillas on a daily basis, it seems like Zegra would be a mass of scar tissue and weeping wounds.

What's your secret, Zegra? Aloe?

Labels: comics that need to be published again

Tragg and the Sky Gods. Gold Key Comics.

How is it that Tragg and the Sky Gods has not been continually published for 40+ years, spawning video games and spin-off comics and cartoons and major motion pictures? Who wouldn't want to read a caveman vs aliens comic? What the hell does Turok have that Tragg doesn't?

Aside from genitalia, I mean.

This was the issue where Tragg had his manhood bitten off by a generic dinosaur type monster. Sure, Tragg managed to beat the dinomonstroid to death with a rock, but when you win a dinosaur fight but lose your penis? That's what you call "winning the battle but losing the war."

OK, I'm starting to see why Turok had more staying power than Tragg.

Labels: comics that need to be published again

Toka, Jungle King, Dell Comics.

"I must save my strength. Worse dangers lie ahead." Toka knows how to pace himself and conserve energy. He probably just doesn't want to kill his buzz.

I find this cover mystifying. Did one of those savage jungle queens tie Toka's ankle to a log? Does Toka always speak in a monotone stoner voice, with no exclamation points? Why couldn't they have actually drawn the stake or post that the damsel is tied to? Can you really put a jaguar in a sleeper hold? Are slavery, death, and civilization equally deadly choices? One seems much deadlier than the others (hint: death).

Toka: the comic book that entertains and makes you think. Clearly this needs to be published again.

Labels: comics that need to be published again

Kona, Monarch of Monster Isle from Dell Comics.

Either Kona is a tiny little man who is saving equally tiny people from a giant cat, or holy shit look at the size of that tabby!

Are primitive weapons "the only hope" against the monster cat, as the cover suggests? 'Cause I'm guessing Kona wouldn't say no to anti-tank weapon at this point.

Labels: comics that need to be published again

Sorry about the radio silence here at S.A.D. - it was a tough week, didn't feel like blogging. I know, I should think of others before I think of myself, but I'm selfish like that.

I'll tell you what - I'll make it up to you by posting a picture of THESE GUYS for you:

Clearly these gentlemen are bad enough dudes to rescue the president.

Man, how is it that colorful tiger prints ever went out of style? I'm going to make it my mission to bring that look back.

Let's say your investment bank is going under, but fortunately as the outgoing CEO you've got an iron clad contract that pretty much assures that you're walking away with a fat bonus while all the peons lose their jobs, savings, and houses.

Heads up. People may be pissed at you. No, I have no idea why.

The solution: the Heckler & Koch MP5 briefcase submachine gun. When your car gets stopped by angry shareholders or a school bus, it's time to go preemptive on their asses and hose the intersection down with a barrage of 9mm. Defend yourself from the unemployed rabble in style!



The briefcase submachine gun - let them eat lead.

Labels: give to me

OK, before anybody gets all Bullfinch on me, I know that Jormungandr the Midgard Serpent kills Thor during Ragnarok, not Fenris, but I didn't have a python handy. I worked with what I had - a Thor doll, a child's tape deck, some chicken, and my hungry dog Loki.

As a wee child, one of my favorite TV shows was Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. Just because I liked it doesn't mean it was any damn good. I was a stupid kid. I ate ants.

Thanks to the miracle of modern science that is Hulu.com, I recently watched the pilot episode of Buck Rogers to see if the show held up against my fond childhood memories.

Have I mentioned that I was a stupid kid?

Created in 1979 by legendary producer Glen A Larson, the man responsible for some of my fondest childhood TV viewing experiences, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century was an updated take on the venerable pulp science fiction hero who first appeared in 1928, predating Flash Gordon. A two-hour pilot was originally released in movie theaters in 1979 on the heels of the Star Wars craze and pulled in enough box office that NBC commissioned a TV series.

One must make certain allowances for old TV shows when considering production design and special effects. It's not very sporting to snipe at the outdated effects used on shows like Buck Rogers and Battlestar Galactica, which were state of the art at the time. I still find the practical effects on such shows charming - give me a bunch of models and a green screen any day.

As far as the actual story goes, Buck Rogers doesn't get off the hook that easy. Believe it or not, in 1979 writers and audiences were just as intelligent as they are today. Studies show that the brains of humans in the Seventies are remarkably similar to those of modern humans. I know: hard to believe, but it's true. For that reason I feel entitled - no, obligated - to rip the innards out of Buck Rogers with my kitty cat claws.

SNIKT!

The entire movie is based on stupid people doing stupid things. If the characters in Buck Rogers were not stupid, the pilot would either not exist or last approximately 25 minutes.

As William Conrad's grave narration explains during the opening credits, "in the year 1987, NASA launched the last of its deep space probes." Instead of an unmanned Voyager probe, NASA decided to send a single astronaut, William "Buck" Rogers into the endless void aboard Ranger 3, a space shuttle.

OK, hold it right there. That makes no sense. A manned deep space probe? With one guy? What if he bonks his head? Goes crazy? Gets appendicitis? Or gets frozen for 500 years in a freak accident?

That's exactly what happens. The freak accident thing, not the appendicitis.



Buck Rogers is coated in white Christmas tree flocking for 500 years until he is thawed by the evil Draconian Realm in the year 2491. The Princess Ardala's Draconian flagship Draconia is en route to Earth to sign a bogus peace treaty. The slinky Ardala and her commander Kane (Megaforce's Henry Silva) are up to no damn good. You see, they want to... ahh, it can wait.

On board their flagship, the Draconians inject Buck with an alien drug cocktail and he spends a good deal of the first act just trippin' balls. Before sending him off to Earth, they slip a tracking beacon in Ranger 3 so they can see what course he takes through the planet's defense field. Off Buck goes, and within minutes he's intercepted by a squadron of fighters led by the frosty, humorless Col. Wilma Deering (Erin Grey). Buck is still high as shit and can't quite figure out what's going on as the fighters guide him through the defenses, over a radioactive wasteland, and into a futuristic city built on the ashes of old Chicago.



Buck quickly figures out that a) he's not in the 20th Century anymore and b) the people in the 25th Century totally suck.

Seriously, mankind in this post-apocalyptic future are lame, humorless, incompetent assholes. 500 years have passed since The Great Holocaust and they can't figure out simple things like interior design, agriculture, archaeology, and making normal size doors. They've ceded authority to the Computer Council, a collection of paranoid digital clocks who control everything for them, even the weather. They hide in their cities, afraid of space pirates and post-apocalyptic mutants with sticks. They're also incredibly naive, which explains why they want to enter into a trade agreement with people called Draconians. I mean, come on. Guys might as well be called Star Nazis.

We've already met Wilma Deering, the uptight control freak. Now we're introduced to Dr. Huer, the Exposition Guy whose job will be to explain the plot to Buck in future episodes of the series. We also meet Twiki, a stuttering little robot with a Prince Valiant haircut that utters "humorous" anachronisms. Twiki's voice is provided by the legendary Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny. (True story: When I was a kid growing up in Los Angeles I used to run into Mel Blanc walking his dog and he would always do cool voices for me and my friends. Great guy.)



Twiki's sole purpose is to carry around Dr. Theopolis, one of the Computer Council. Theopolis speaks in a creepy sedated voice that sounds different from scene to scene, and is possibly the world's first gay clock. He's always giving Buck unsolicited, mildly lecherous compliments: "You look magnificent, Buck." I have no idea why the Computer Council didn't have their human pawns build them bodies, or at least legs. I guess if they did Buck Rogers would be a totally different movie.

While the Future Humans in Buck Rogers aren't the least bit suspicious of the Draconians and their massive, allegedly unarmed flagship, they suspect Buck Rogers is a spy for the space pirates who have been harassing their shipping lanes. On Future Earth they're incapable of farming or building greenhouses, so they import almost everything. They're also unfamiliar with the concept of armed convoys, so Future Earth is sort of bent over a barrel. A treaty with the benevolent and peace-loving Draconians is their only hope!

Tools.

Nobody will tell Buck about the Great Holocaust, either because they skipped over that topic in school or because the Computer Council won't let them discuss it. Buck wants some answers, so he heads out into the Warner Brothers back lot with Twikie and Dr. Theopolis, who tag along to add some dead weight.

What does Buck hope to find in the rubble? Beats me. He ignores the obvious danger posed by the pack of generic stick-waving mutants who swarm around them until he locates the grave of his family. Well, THAT explains a lot. His parents are dead! Not only did they perish in the Great Holocaust, they didn't live for five hundred years waiting for their son to come home.

Wilma and a bunch of troops in silver tights arrive and blow the bejeezus out of the stick-waving mutants, saving Buck's ass. They accomplish this with such ease and nonchalance that one wonders why Future Mankind hasn't settled the wasteland, or at the very least scavenged the ruins for some neat antiques.

Back in The Inner City, the Future Humans have found the tracking device on Ranger 3. They don't believe that the Draconians could possibly have planted the beacon, so they put Buck on trial for treason.

The Computer Council's trial takes about three minutes, during which no evidence is presented and Dr. Theopolis, Buck's defense attorney, makes no attempt to refute any of the charges. Buck is sentenced to death!

...until right after the commercial break, when they change their minds.

The humans decide to test Buck's story by flying out to the Draconia and chatting with Princess Ardala. She wouldn't lie to them. In case she does, they plan on being left alone long enough that they can poke around the massive spaceship to find some kind of clue, a classic case of Scooby Doo logic. Maybe they'll find an Amazon receipt for the tracking beacon in a trash can?

Because they're idiots, the Future Humans let Buck, who is a traitor for all they know, fly in a fully armed fighter craft (which are admittedly pretty cool) with them to the Draconian ship. Before the Earthlings arrive, Kane scrambles a flight of Draconian "pirate" fighters. See, the Draconians are really the ones responsible for the pirate attacks. SHOCKER. This goes unnoticed by the approaching Earth fighters, because they have no radar in the 25th Century.


After a five second conversation between Wilma, Buck, Kane, and Ardala on the Draconia, the giant ship is "attacked" by the pirates. Since the huge space juggernaut is completely defenseless against a few fighters, Wilma and her squadron scramble to defend their new friends.

Wouldn't you know it? In the future they let their combat computers do the fighting for them, which means that Wilma's entire force is decimated by the pirates in record time. Buck tries to help, in exchanges like this:


Buck has finally had enough of this crap. Despite Wilma's protests, he turns off his combat computer and goes manual. "Now then, let's see how you like a little old fashioned red dogging!" Buck says. CUE THE GUITARS. In the movie's best scene, Buck single-handedly destroys the entire attack force and gives all those neutered Future Humans a little taste of some old school ultra-violence.

After this incident, Wilma apologizes for misjudging Buck and the Computer Council forgets about executing him. No hard feelings, right?

Finally, the Draconian ship arrives in orbit and Princess Ardala shows up for a peace ceremony. The Draconians must build the slowest spaceships in the galaxy. Presumably the Draconia is en route to Earth at the beginning of the film when they scoop Buck up. They let him go, and somehow his 500 year old space shuttle arrives on the planet before they do. Days later Wilma and her squadron fly out to meet the Draconia, which one must assume is far enough away from Earth that the planet's early warning system doesn't notice the unarmed flagship disgorging a bunch of fighter craft. I'm just guessing here, but it seems like at least a week has passed since Buck arrived in the 25th century, and the Draconians are just now showing up. Did they have engine trouble or something?

Princess Ardala shows up to the ceremony in a fetching bikini + horns ensemble and shoots come-hither glances at Buck while the Future Humans perform a space waltz for her enjoyment. Buck sends Twiki and Dr. Theopolis off to get him a rose and some roofies - he's got a big night planned. Buck and Ardala hit the dance floor, but the space waltz isn't his speed. With very little prompting, Buck convinces the guy behind the Casio to play something a little more up-tempo - and thus begins the infamous Buck Rogers disco scene. My friends at io9 have the horrifying footage; go take a look.

There's something about this primitive Earthling and his... how do you say? Ah yes, his "disco dancing" that just turns Ardala on. She arranges to meet Buck on her shuttle later so they can fly back to the Draconia and %$#@.



Complication: Wilma Deering. She intercepts Buck on his way to Ardala's shuttle and confesses her true feelings. "I've found myself crying - then laughing. Feeling angry at you, and then feeling the most amazing tenderness," she says, and then goes in for a kiss. While they kiss, Buck glances down at his watch. Rogers, you dog!

I don't quite buy the whole laughing/crying thing. Wilma seems too emotionally constipated in the pilot to actually cry, and Buck says absolutely nothing funny whatsoever during the entire film. I think Wilma was just feeding Buck a line so she could jump his 500 year old bones. Regardless, it doesn't work. Buck blows her off - he's got a shuttle and possibly a Draconian venereal disease to catch.

On the Draconian warship, Buck and the princess suck face in her chambers. When she slips into a slightly more comfortable bikini - they must have excellent central heating on the Draconia - Buck slips a space roofie into her drink. She's out like a light. I'm not sure if it would have been more or less sexist if Buck had just judo chopped Ardala into unconsciousness.

He has no reservations about sucker punching a Draconian mechanic on the flight deck, however. Buck puts the guy's cosplay samurai helmet on and begins sabotaging the Draconian ships by placing bombs in their exhaust pipes, which nobody notices. Ah, the old banana in the tailpipe trick. Buck had better hustle - Kane is planning to launch an attack on Earth in a matter of minutes!

Meanwhile, Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, who stowed away on the princess' shuttle, are also sneaking around the enemy ship, completely unnoticed. They spot Buck in his Draconian uniform and - Jesus - they think he's a spy again! It's no wonder Earth is so messed up if geniuses like Theopolis are on the Computer Council. Buck explains to them in really simple terms that they can understand that no, he's not a member of the Draconian flight crew, he's really a good guy. I would seriously consider just shooting them if I were Buck - nobody would know.

For reasons that aren't entirely clear to me, Wilma and a squad of Earth starfighters attack the Draconia and are shocked when the enemy fighters begin blowing up shortly after launching. It's a good thing, because none of Wilma's pilots are worth a damn in a dogfight. Wilma's fighters attack the huge flagship - which has exactly zero anti-spacecraft weapons - and the whole damn thing starts to explode.

Risking all, Wilma lands on the Draconian ship and rescues Buck, Twiki, and Dr. Theopolis. They jump into the convenient back seat of her fighter. Hey, if these ships had a back seat, why didn't they make Buck ride as a passenger during their first trip to the Draconia instead of letting a convicted traitor fly in an armed fighter? I'm over thinking this.



The Draconia blows up, but not before Kane and Ardala escape in a shuttle. Buck sees them and says nothing, but nobody else notices because remember? NO RADAR.

The producers tacked on a new scene at the end of the movie that was filmed to lead into the series proper. Dr. Huer and Wilma (wearing one of her famous skintight jumpsuits) visit Buck in his quarters, where he's trying to make the place a little more homey with some plants and a pepper mill. They don't understand the purpose of the plants - these are the geniuses that don't grow their own food in greenhouses, so no surprise there.

Dr. Huer and Wilma ask Buck if he'd like to be a freelance spy/troubleshooter for them. He says no. End of movie.

You heard me - he says NO. What the hell kind of lead-in to a TV series is that?

WILMA: "Hey, Buck, would you like to be a space James Bond for us?"

BUCK: "No thanks."

WILMA: "OK."

That's it.

For all its faults, the pilot for Buck Rogers in the 25th Century has a certain dated charm. The level of sophistication and quality on display here is pretty indicative of the first season of the series as a whole. They actually managed to pull off a few episodes that surpassed the pilot, like the episode with Jamie Lee Curtis and the indestructible android prison guard, the Frank Gorshin two-parter, and the classic Space Vampire. I still feel a twinge of nostalgic affection for the show.

I almost forgot! One of the best parts about the theatrical release of Buck Rogers was the kick-ass title sequence, which was too spicy for primetime television. It's a little bit James Bond, a little bit cryogenic hallucination, and a whole lot of awesome:


via videosift.com

Here's a sketch I found from The Archives. It's amazing what you can find when digging through boxes of old shit looking for tax documents.

I can't quite recall why I drew The Kissing Bandit in the first place. If memory serves I think I wanted a custom-made Halloween costume using fancy gold curtain sashes at the time, and this was what I came up with.

Clearly not one of my better ideas.


I really wanted to wear this, padded codpiece and all.

Give it to me straight: there's something wrong with me, isn't there?

Labels: from the archives

Dr. K over at Dr. K's 100-Page Super Spectacular poses the question: what song was Superman singing into the Miracle Machine in Final Crisis #7?

I know just the song to kill a god of evil, and no, it's not that song. Superman doesn't rickroll like that.

So you think you might have a drug problem.

Hey, don't beat yourself up. It happens. You start off snorting a line in the back room at the office Christmas party and the next thing you know you're walking the streets in a short skirt and a bad wig, calling yourself "Charice" and trying to scrounge up enough money to buy yourself a few hits. It could happen to anybody.

Even Batman.

Yes, the Dark Knight himself, that paragon of willpower, once suffered from a dependency on illegal drugs - namely the super-steroid "venom." Don't believe me? Check out Legends of the Dark Knight #16-20, by Denny O'Neil, Trevor Von Eeden, Russell Braun, and Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez. Batman didn't quite make it to the bad wig / short skirt stage, but it was pretty touch and go there for a while.

So how did Batman kick his drug habit? Simple: HE'S THE GODDAMN BATMAN.

Even though you and I don't possess Batman's iron will, we can still learn from his experience and adopt some of his hard-earned lessons. Yes, you too can kick drugs the Batman way.

Step 1. Determine if you have a problem.

It's gut-check time. You're going to need to take a good long look inside and be brutally honest with yourself. Do you have a drug problem?

Ask yourself: Do you think about drugs incessantly? Are they always on your mind at work, in the shower, or on the bus heading to work? What's the one thing you think about most during the day?



Does a lack of drugs constitute a crisis? Do you find yourself searching desperately under the couch cushions or in your car for the tiniest trace of drugs? Do you call up annoying people that you might not otherwise hang out with because they may have drugs? Do you fly into an uncontrollable rage when you run out of your drug of choice?

If so: bad sign.



Are you short-tempered with friends, co-workers, or your butler? Do you take out your anger on innocent household appliances that have never done you wrong? Have you ever "hulked out" and ripped your clothing?

These warning signs should not be ignored.



Has your fondness for drugs reduced you to performing undignified acts? Do feel like Sting should be writing a tragic song about you? Have you ever insisted that people call you Charice? Would Amy Winehouse be embarrassed by your behavior? Do you scrounge around in bushes hoping to find pills?

You may have a problem.



Now that you've determined holy shit, I'm addicted to drugs! it's time to take the next step.

Step 2. Say "No" to drugs.

It helps if you can manage a guttural croaky voice like Christian Bale, but if not, just use your regular speaking voice and loudly, audibly reject drugs. "No."



Step 3. The Cave.

You thought Batman was going to seek counseling or in-patient treatment or maybe join a support group? Hell no. If you want to kick drugs the Batman way, you're going to have to use a little old-fashioned willpower.

Get rid of those drugs. Now. And not by smoking, snorting, or otherwise consuming them - that's cheating. Just dump them out, preferably in a rain-slickened back alley late at night in the middle of a rough part of town. You're in the neighborhood anyway, aren't you Charise?

Then, call your butler. Ask him - beg him if you must - to lock you in the cave. Don't have a cave? Dig one, junkie.



You're going to have to stay in the cave for a month, so you and your butler will need to make preparations. Call in sick to work - say you got in a snowboarding accident. Make sure you've set up auto-bill paying with your bank. Then get some supplies.

You'll need tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Vitamins. Mineral water. Pornography. One bucket for urine, one bucket for feces, one bucket for bat guano. One television. One Wii.

Do not bring a razor, shaving cream, or a change of clothes, because after thirty days of writhing in agony and sweating the junk out of your system, you want to emerge looking like this:



Anybody who says that bat guano isn't good for hair growth hasn't spent thirty days locked in a bat-infested cave. It's just a little side benefit of Batman's foolproof drug treatment program.

There you go: with a little willpower, a cave, and a cooperative manservant, you too can kick drugs the Batman way. No, don't thank me - thank Batman.